The British government has finally completed the transfer of absolute power over Northern Ireland to Brandon Lewis.
Watched by scores of abortion activists, ideologically-confused Republicans and some middle-class moralisers packed into Belfast’s Writers’ Square, Lewis watched from a balcony overlooking the plaza as words of praise for the man called “the Dear Leader” were read out loud.
Millie Smurthwaite, the founder of Kill the Kids, a reproductive justice advocacy group, said: “The cold and calloused heart of democracy has finally stopped beating … this timely and welcome power move is the best thing to happen to the uteruses of men and women across the country.”
And the North of Ireland, she said, will “finally make the transformation from misogyny and patriarchy to empowerment and solidarity; that’s why we need this man in charge” adding that Lewis shared her “ideology for crushing the weakest members of society for personal gain.”
“The fact that he completely resolved the abortion services thing is great comrade Lewis’s most noble achievement,” she said.
Lewis, flanked by senior party and military officials from both the Alliance Party and the Green Party on the balcony of a Pizza Express, bowed his head during the service. To his left stood the Alliance Party’s Stephen Farry, who, alongside the Green Party’s Clare Bailey, is expected to act as a close adviser to the new leader.
The accession will not become formal, however, until the youth wing of the Alliance Party have replaced every flag, election poster and lamppost sticker in the country with a portrait of Lewis’s face.
Graphic images of healthy children in utero have been found in homes across the country, on fireplaces and in bookcases – and sometimes even on fridge magnets or mugs.
Alliance Cllr Snipey McSneery, who heads up Alliance’s anti-graphic-image task force, has called this an unspeakable evil, and asked the PSNI to forcibly remove them as soon as possible.
He said: “It has been brought to my attention that a number – possibly tens of thousands – of households across the country have graphic ultrasound imagery on their fireplaces and other areas where everyone can see them.
“Such images can be deeply upsetting to those who hate truth or those who know deep down that a parasitic clump of cells is a whole human being, but want to suppress that truth for the sake of a political agenda.
“I have reported these ultrasounds to the PSNI and the Housing Executive requesting that they are removed as soon as possible to prevent further harm to middle-class leftist feelings.
“We need to continue to work together in love and compassion and empathy as a shared community to not upset anyone for the betterment of us all … or else.”
The ultrasounds come just days after scores of pamphlets containing similar imagery that warn against the dangers of smoking when pregnant were discovered in a GP’s surgery, which were described by Alliance Youth’s chairperson, Xer Katniss, as “a campaign of harassment and lies”.
Sounds amazing, doesn’t it? What kind of dinosaur wouldn’t place their trust in such a reasonable and progressive system? You would have to be literally Hitler to disagree.
But is it true? Is secularism neutral? And does it have a high view of science and tolerance?
Self-defeating and logically impossible.
Well, not really. The appeal of neutrality is certainly understandable. The idea that no one group should be advantaged over another is a sound one—and should be strived for insofar as possible—but it doesn’t address the need to differentiate between competing ideas of what good is. Issues like euthanasia, abortion, free speech, etc., are all bitterly contested—even amongst secularists—so, who is right and on what grounds?
For a civilised society to function properly, it is important to promote some ideas as beneficial and relegate others as harmful, which necessitates appealing to some sort of higher code. Herein lies the problem for secularism.
Adjudicating between competing conceptions of good requires something other than mere neutrality to be successful—otherwise (and try and follow me on this) neutrality itself would be perceived as the ultimate good and therefore wouldn’t be neutral! It’s self-defeating.
The solution must be anchored to a coherent understanding of what government is and what its responsibilities are, which itself is part of a larger moral project that encompasses everything from what it means to be human to why we ought to behave in certain ways—questions that neutrality is ill-equipped to answer because there is no neutral ground on which to discuss them.
Traditionally, differentiating between competing concepts of good was done via an appeal to a higher moral authority that sits outside human ability to change. In other words, an ontic referent (i.e. God). But, of course, on secularism there is no God or gods (or if there is, he/she/it/they has no business interfering in human affairs), so man and man alone is the measure of all things. The problem with that, of course, is the standards by which man measures things change with frightening rapidity, often without notice. Such a system leaves no room for neutrality.
Therefore, we should see secular neutrality as a logical impossibility; it is completely untenable. If neutrality is seen as the highest good for governance then the State would be compelled to impose it, which would require more state intervention to make sure everything remains neutral. Which is anything but neutral.
Everyone has moral beliefs they want enshrining in law
The second problem with the idea of secular neutrality is that everyone—absolutely everyone—has a set of beliefs and moral assumptions they want to see reflected in law. Secularists, as evidenced by their indefatigable lobbying on issues such as (take a deep breath, this is a long sentence) same-sex marriage, abortion access, blasphemy laws, euthanasia, collective worship in schools, sex education, religious education, integrated education, all the other educations, public religious displays, graphic abortion imagery, gay conversion therapy (but not gender conversion therapy, that’s beautiful and empowering), organ donation, animal rights, etc. etc. etc — are no exception. The phrase “don’t push your morals on others” doesn’t seem to apply to secularists.
It’s also important to note that, as far as science goes, all of the above campaigns are the outworking of moral convictions, not science. For example, pro-lifers are often told by abortion advocates that an unborn child (or fetus, if you prefer), while scientifically human, is not a person and can therefore be killed with impunity. That something can be a living human organism but not a person is known as ‘personhood theory’ — which is an ideology, not science. The same goes for sexual identity. Science can tell us how our bodies are ordered and plumbed for the opposite sex as a means of species propagation, but it can’t tell us whether or not ‘love is love’. That is a moral claim and, as such, is no more rational, scientific or provable than other competing moral claim.
(To be clear, that doesn’t mean that all religious ideas are good or that all secularist ideas are bad, but the idea that religious beliefs should be excluded from policymaking for simply being religious is itself a metaphysical belief rooted in presuppositions about the nature of reality.)
Unfortunately, many Christians have bought into the fallacy of secular neutrality, which, importantly, demands that all religious beliefs be left at home before you enter the political arena (except for feel-good Oprah spirituality or any theology that affirms whatever the current social zeitgeist happens to be).
And yet, even though religious beliefs are openly excluded, secularists—under the guise of neutrality—can still smuggle in their beliefs … beliefs that their ultimate view of reality can’t ground. For example, a secularist who is also a materialist (a person who believes that nothing exists except physical matter) cannot ground the belief that all human beings are equal, since Darwinism, their grounding text for the nature of reality, teaches no such thing. So, they must borrow the Christian view of the human person, which teaches that all human beings are equal in virtue of them simply being human.
So, the next time a secularist offers up their utopian vision of a perfectly neutral and tolerant secular society—a society that just so happens to recognise in law all of their moral beliefs and convictions (but not yours)—don’t let it pass without interrogation.
The inexplicably popular North Down MP, Stephen Farry, who recently made headlines over concerns about the colour of a football kit, has welcomed a new law that will allow countless children to be ripped to pieces and thrown in a bin, some simply because they’re disabled.
“With all the horrible and backward things going on in our society at present, like a football team using the wrong colour for their kits, this new law is a real breath of fresh, progressive air” said Farry.
While the Alliance Party is very much in favour of child dismemberment for any reason and at any time during pregnancy, their PR strategy is usually to obfuscate the issue with a clever mix of anti-science and sloppy philosophy, then accusing anyone who questions them on it of not having a uterus.
“I know our party has been unclear on this issue in the past — I mean, just try and get a coherent answer out of Naomi Long without her resorting to lazy rhetoric and vapid sloganeering – but I hope my public show of approval for this new child dismemberment law is clear proof that the Alliance Party really is the party of progress and choice.”
Questions have been raised about the Alliance Party’s official position on child dismemberment, with some arguing that they are now a fully pro-dismemberment party instead of one that takes a conscience-based approach. “That’s not true” said Farry. “We’re still committed to diversity of thought within the party – hence our token pro-lifer, Chris Lyttle.”
Chris Lyttle was unavailable for comment, having been sent away on a re-education course for voting in favour of making child dismemberment illegal in cases of Down syndrome.
After the recent liberalisation of abortion in Northern Ireland, Northern Ireland Humanists immediately unveiled plans to make a few quid by offering abortion ceremonies.
While the humanist movement has, for some time, been offering a range of ceremonial services for secularists who want all the trappings of religion but none of the God stuff, abortion ceremonies are believed to be a world’s first.
“We wanted to celebrate this historic day of joy and bloodshed by offering people something unique and memorable for their abortions,” said Quentin Snarf, a humanist celebrant and founder of the pro-choice activist group, Upper-Middle Class Alliance Against Poor People Breeding.
“We humanists love our ceremonies and already offer lots of them – from wedding ceremonies to cat-naming ceremonies – so why not abortion? It is our most important sacrament, after all.”
With the first abortions in Northern Ireland set to take place during March 2020, Snarf is expecting demand to be high.
“We’ve already had hundreds of enquires, many from people who aren’t even pregnant yet!” said Snarf.
“We know from independently verified data that Northern Ireland’s wicked and antiquated pro-life laws have saved over 100,000 lives, but while we can’t kill those people now, we can kill a future 100,000 – and what a better way to celebrate that than with an abortion ceremony!”
At present, details are sketchy as to what an abortion ceremony will involve, but a spokesperson for Northern Ireland Humanists has confirmed that participants will be offered the chance to “pull off the first limb” or “crush the skull themselves” as part of the ritual.
A guest blog by Rally for Choice speaker, Evil-Lyn
Mmmmmmwwwwhhhyy hello there, comrades – hahahaha! I am Evil-Lyn, sorceress and harnesser of dark powers. Most of you will remember me as the evil witch from the hit 80s cartoon, He-Man and the Masters of the Universe – but I am also a compassionate and reason-filled proponent of abortion and bodily autonomy rights.
So – when the organisers of Belfast’s Rally for Choice reached out to me during their AGM seance and asked me to be one of their guest speakers, how could I refuse? Hahahaha! (I couldn’t).
Now that the dust has settled after a crazy weekend of marching and protesting around Belfast with 17 million (according to our academic) fellow pro-choice persons, I want to take the time to enlighten all you bigots and misogynists on why the choice to end a human life is necessary for progress.
Here are four reasons – hahahahaha!
1. Population control
As my enlightened pro-choice comrades often point out – usually over a glass of Ca’ di Rajo Lemoss Frizzante and a bowl of roasted chickpeas back at mine after watching a profound piece of abortion theatre at the MAC – the world is overcrowded. There’s at least 6 billion of us and counting. It is not possible for so many people to enjoy the splendours of our wonderful planet all at the same time without destroying it.
Something has to give.
Unfortunately, you can’t make an omelette without breaking a few eggs. And by eggs, I mean fetuses. Abusing chickens of their eggs is disgusting and immoral.
This Facebook post from an academic at a leading NI University sums up our predicament perfectly:
2. Clearing out the riff-raff
If you’ve ever had the misfortune of being in a “benefits lounge,” you’ll notice that poor people are rather unsightly. Not only that, they have a tendency to “muck about,” which means they can never get work or contribute to a meaningful society.
As our comrade Bernie Sanders explained recently, the answer to people living in poverty – especially in those savage third world countries – is to stop them from breeding. In other words, poor people are better off dead. And in pieces. And in a bin.
(As an added bonus, since the poor commit all the crimes, this approach is also useful for countries that don’t have the death penalty. Except it’s better, because the criminal can be taken out before a crime has even been committed – like in Minority Report – saving the Justice Department millions in taxpayers’ money).
“Pro-choice, not Pro-letariat!” I screamed.
3. Improving the gene pool
If our amazing foremothers Marie Stopes and Margret Sanger, founders of the two biggest abortion enterprises in the universe, taught us anything it was that abortion “Is nothing more or less than the facilitation of the process of weeding out the unfit, of preventing the birth of defectives or of those who will become defectives”.
This is true. When I visited Iceland a few moon cycles ago, my intention was to overthrow their government and seize control of their aluminium smelting plants. But then I discovered they had done great work in eradicating Down’s syndrome – a problem that has cursed my home planet of Eternia since the beginning of time – by eradicating those with Down’s syndrome! Genius – hahahaha!
So it follows, then, that since Iceland is often portrayed as a beacon of secular hope and progress, it would be prudent to follow their lead by allowing Northern Ireland to abort all its defectives, too. Those with Down’s syndrome, those with an FFA, those with a cleft palate, those with colic – the whole lot of them. Having a choice helps us achieve that.
I genuinely don’t look out of place here.
4. People should be able to do whatever the f**k they want, you c**nts!
While the first three reasons are closely linked, this one often gets overlooked, but it’s a vital component – if not the most important component – of everything that the pro-choice movement stands for, especially when it comes to sex. And that is the right to do whatever the f**k we want, whenever we want.
Five millennia ago I argued during my presidential campaign that laws should be based on a) how badly people want to do something and b) possession of a uterus or uteruses. Unfortunately, at the time, my home planet of Eternia was under the patriarchy of Skeletor, who took exception to my liberal fancies and banished me to a netherworld for ten thousand years.
Skeletor and I have since reconciled. It was great to see him at the Rally and looking the part, alongside his long-term political ally, Eamonn McCann.
But I was right. Nihilism is the only viable option for governance. It’s true that some people argue that laws should be based on reason and merit, but do you notice how everyone who says that doesn’t have a uterus? Exactly – hahahaha! Shut up, you man*!
Hopefully, these reasons – and all of the lovely photographs you see of how wonderful and stable and measured we pro-choicers are – will have dragged you out of your religious stupor and into the 21st Century. But if not, well, DON’T LIKE ABORTION, DON’T HAVE ONE! – HAHAHAHA!
*By ‘man’ I am referring to those without wombs. I am aware that not everyone without a womb identifies as a man, making them a woman*. I mean no offence by this. I support you all.
* By ‘woman’ I am referring to those with wombs. I am aware that not everyone with a womb identifies as a woman and are actually men with wombs. To clarify, men who are women who are men who are women who are men with wombs and also women without wombs – I mean no offence. I support you all.
Beast Man cheered up considerably after his Boojum.
Following an attempt by atheist parents to sue a Christian school for doing Christian stuff, the Department of Education announced that it will introduce ‘Atheism Studies’ as a ‘meaningiful and educational’ alternative for those wishing to opt their children out of RE – and to give those children some respite from their parents’ public displays of hyper-litigiousness.
Full details of the new subject have yet to be finalised, but a government source said it will cover the following key curriculum areas:
Instead of learning about the pyramids and Victorian child chimney sweeps, students of atheism will be taught the history of atheist thought, from reciting the nihilistic ramblings of Frederich Nietzsche to a VR tour of the Godless utopian paradise of Stalin’s Soviet Russia.
Field trips will include a visit to North Korea, where children can see first hand what official atheist government policy looks like in practice, which they can follow up with some labour camp building in Minecraft.
Science lessons will focus exclusively on evidence for atheism. As such, the government has allocated a £50m budget for schools to rent out empty sheds for periods of up to five hundred million years so as children of atheists can observe how living things can come from nothing.
Experiments like making and freezing slime will be replaced with experiments showing how slime, under the right conditions and given enough time, can become fully functioning members of society worthy of rights and personhood.
Those taking Atheism Studies can dispense with the Christmas nativity and instead do a play based on atheist philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre’s novel, Being and Nothingness.
Pupils will get to dress up as their favourite atheist and lounge around the stage smoking cigarettes, contemplating the merits of living a conflicted life of misery and pleasure versus simply committing suicide.
Welcoming today’s announcement, secular campaigner Casper Sage Floyd said: ‘This is great progress. Even though I believe you get to make your own meaning in life, religious meaning is more meaningless than atheist meaning. And even though I believe that morality is subjective, it is objectively wrong to indoctrinate kids into religion. As as a society we need to be tolerant and inclusive, which is why we must banish religion to the ideological gulags – or else.”
However, some atheist parents did express concern over the use of Sartre’s books given the author’s well-documented sordid sex life —although plans to teach primary school children that sex between two and any number of consenting people is acceptable were warmly received.
In a recent Tweet, Northern Ireland’s leading abortion baronness, Grainne Teggart, announced that Amnesty NI is seeking to recruit a new Campaigns Assistant to help quicken the right to end pre-born human life in Northern Ireland.
Since the job will require a ruthless passion for human destruction, a knack for philosophical hand waving, and profound ignorance of the science of embryology, the pool of suitable candidates is likely to be very small.
But fear not! The Belfast Bigot is on hand to offer these capable recommendations:
The bookies’ favourite. In every hive that she’s been in charge of, Xenomorph Queen has successfully raised hundreds of fearless Drones and Warriors, making her ideally suited to Amnesty’s activist ethic. She’s also a mother, giving her extra moral authority when deciding who can and can’t live, and she understands the value of choice having once “shouted” the abortions of twenty-six of her own face-huggers after they failed to develop correctly in the egg. Downside: she poses a significant risk to Grainne’s job.
“MY BODY, MY CHOICCCCCCCCCCCCZZZZ!”
Baraka from Mortal Kombat
As a member of a nomadic mutant community, Baraka knows all too well what it’s like being part of an oppressed people. While he doesn’t have a womb, his marginalised status allows him to empathise with marginalised womb owners who want to kill their own offspring. Most importantly, as a loyal warrior with blades protruding from his arms, he will fight to the death for those whom he calls “master,” making him an exceptional candidate for Grainne’s needs.
“Mmmmmaaaaaadon’t like abortion, don’t have one!”
Gozer the Gozarian
Being an approachable, everyday person who can speak the language of those on the ground is a core requirement for any Amnesty employee. In that regard, Gozer, pictured below, would blend right in at the local Choice rally or vegan cat cafe. Plus, her ability to summon large demonic beasts to destroy dissenters should not be overlooked. Downside: being a god, Gozer would bring an unwanted religious element to Amnesty’s secular culture, thereby violating the separation of church and state, and running the risk of bringing Grainne out in hives during TV interviews.
“Are you pro-chooooooooice?…. then die!!!!!”
Many of you may remember Beverly as the NHS nurse found guilty of killing several babies in her care in the early 1990s, but the term “killing” is harsh. Beverly’s problem was that the healthcare she delivered took place on the wrong side of the birth canal. Other than that, she exhibited all of the compassion and empathy expected of any heroic healthcare rights campaigner. The obvious issue is her current incarceration, but Amnesty has a great track record of working with the falsely imprisoned, so maybe they can come to an arrangement.
A massive cast iron hammer and sickle
Not necessarily because of the communist connection – though that would of course rouse and delight many abortion advocates – but as a symbol of the tools needed for an abortion procedure; a hammer to crush skulls and a blade for lopping and chopping limbs. It also works as a beautiful and profound woke metaphor for a woman’s struggle for reproductive freedom (because the patriarchy made these tools heavy and hard to carry). Downside: no real word processing skills.
Other worthwhile mentions: Dawn Purvis, Momo, and the demonic form of Marie Stopes.
Following the publicity-grabbing success of its Easter meme which mocked the risen Christ, the overrated quasi-Mexican restaurant chain, Boojum – famous for its sticky floors and nappy-style burritos – has revealed similar plans to mock the prophet Mohammed during Ramadan and the veteran gay rights activist Peter Tatchell during Pride Week.
After some pushback from Christian former-customers, who found the Easter meme offensive, Boojum’s management responded by saying their aim is to offend all people groups equally, not just the easy targets.
“Our next meme will go up during Ramadan and will depict Mohammed having the Koran revealed to him by an angel, but – get this, right – instead of the Koran, it’ll be a big burrito! And the caption will read: “When the only thing worth revealing is a Boojum!”
He added: “We’ve already hired a graphic design student to photoshop an image of Mohammed kneeling before a burrito with a speech bubble coming from his mouth saying: “Allah Akbar! I knew I smelled Boojum!”
“F***ing hil-are, isn’t it?” said Boojum’s impossibly cool and radical PR manager and Head of Banter, Sye Merkin.
“And then, during Pride Week, we’ll post a meme depicting the veteran gay rights activist, Peter Tatchell, coming out of an actual closet, but instead of finding tolerance and acceptance, he’ll find a trio of tacos!
And the caption will read: “When the only thing worth coming out for is a Boojum!” with the speech bubble saying: “Heeeey! I knew I smelled Boojum!”
Merkin continued: “Mocking Christianity – especially during its most significant time of the year and at a time when hundreds of its adherents were just recently murdered for their beliefs – is not at all insensitive and crass or devoid of wit and creativity; it’s the kind of super original, cutting edge comedy that sets Boojum above the other higher quality, more authentic Mexican restaurants in the country.
That’s why we’re going to up our banter game even more by going after Islam and homosexuality!”
“Yeooooo!” he added.
In a separate radio interview, Boojum reaffirmed its commitment to equality by revealing additional plans to mock Bobby Sands during the upcoming hunger strike commemorations in August and King Billy during the Twelfth fortnight.
For as long as humans have been shaking their fists skyward, the term ‘atheist’ has been used to describe a belief that there is no God. However, since the popularisation of New Atheism a decade or so ago, there has been a concerted attempt – a revisionist attempt – by some atheists to redefine atheism as ‘a lack of belief’. In other words, for these atheists, atheism is not a positive belief that God does not exist, but rather something that entails no belief at all – it is simply a lack of belief.
The reason for this is simple: defining atheism this way makes it easier for the atheist to defend their position because there’s nothing to defend. You don’t have to defend a non-belief. And if there’s nothing to defend, you don’t have to shoulder the burden of proof.
If I were an atheist, however, I wouldn’t go down this path. Not only is this definition a departure from the language that we’ve all agreed on – the same language that allows us to have fruitful discussions – but it’s intellectually dishonest. It’s dishonest because there are only three possible answers to the question “Does God exist?”
“I don’t know” (agnostic)
By replacing this common sense and historically-understood definition with a convoluted and self-serving one (“I’m a freethinking open-minded anti-theistic accommodationist explicit uppercase agnostic-Atheist… or “bright” for short!”) is just linguistic legerdemain that helps no one, least of all the atheist.
That doesn’t mean, of course, that there’s no such thing as a ‘lack of belief’. There is. For example, when it comes to which is the best curling team in Uzbekistan, I lack a belief. I have no information on the subject, nor do I care to find out. I genuinely lack a belief in the Uzbekistani curling scene.
But if you’ve ever listened to an atheist – particularly of the Stetson-wearing, goateed YouTube channel variety – it quickly becomes obvious that they don’t behave like they lack a belief about God. They have lots of beliefs about God, so much so that they write book after book, participate in debate after debate, and create YouTube video after YouTube video to espouse them. They even have their own logo! Now, I don’t know about most people, but I’ve yet to create a logo to express a lack of belief, and – having never had a skunkweed habit – don’t have the desire to.
Now, if an atheist wants to say, “I don’t have a belief in God” – that’s fair enough. They don’t have faith in God because they don’t think that God is real. But that is not the same as saying, “I don’t have a belief about God”. They do have a belief about God – lots of them – chiefly that God doesn’t exist. And if you hold a belief, and there is a justification for holding that belief, then you ought to be forthcoming about it.
But perhaps the most bizarre aspect of defining atheism as a lack of belief is that a lack of belief describes a psychological state; it tells us absolutely nothing about whether God exists or not. In other words, if atheism is merely a lack of belief then toasters, USB sticks, chickens, and my cat, John Knox, are also atheists since they too lack a belief in God. It also means that atheism can never be true or false (because only claims can be true or false), rendering it meaningless and, let’s be honest, a bit boring.
Curling – a game in which players must slide polished atheists across some ice.
To be clear, I’m not saying that atheism is a religion – that job goes to Humanism – but it is definitely a belief, meaning that atheists – along with Christians, to be fair – must shoulder the burden of proof to support their position. If an atheist asserts – as they do – that only natural and material things exist, then they need to make a persuasive and principled argument for how immaterial things like logic, consciousness, evil, morality, mathematics, etc. are the accidental byproducts of exclusively natural causes.
Unfortunately, many of the atheists that I’ve engaged with – as lovely as they all are – seem most comfortable when critiquing the beliefs of others than when offering a robust defence of their own. This, I suspect, is because they know they can’t, for the more we learn about the complexities of the natural world, the more implausible a purely natural explanation becomes. In fact, a purely natural explanation for all of reality is, in theory, impossible because anything capable of creating nature would have to come from outside of nature and would be, by definition, supernatural – hence the desire to retreat to a boutique definition of atheism.