In a recent Tweet, Northern Ireland’s leading abortion baronness, Grainne Teggart, announced that Amnesty NI is seeking to recruit a new Campaigns Assistant to help quicken the right to end pre-born human life in Northern Ireland.
Since the job will require a ruthless passion for human destruction, a knack for philosophical hand waving, and profound ignorance of the science of embryology, the pool of suitable candidates is likely to be very small.
But fear not! The Belfast Bigot is on hand to offer these capable recommendations:
The bookies’ favourite. In every hive that she’s been in charge of, Xenomorph Queen has successfully raised hundreds of fearless Drones and Warriors, making her ideally suited to Amnesty’s activist ethic. She’s also a mother, giving her extra moral authority when deciding who can and can’t live, and she understands the value of choice having once “shouted” the abortions of twenty-six of her own face-huggers after they failed to develop correctly in the egg. Downside: she poses a significant risk to Grainne’s job.
Baraka from Mortal Kombat
As a member of a nomadic mutant community, Baraka knows all too well what it’s like being part of an oppressed people. While he doesn’t have a womb, his marginalised status allows him to empathise with marginalised womb owners who want to kill their own offspring. Most importantly, as a loyal warrior with blades protruding from his arms, he will fight to the death for those whom he calls “master,” making him an exceptional candidate for Grainne’s needs.
Gozer the Gozarian
Being an approachable, everyday person who can speak the language of those on the ground is a core requirement for any Amnesty employee. In that regard, Gozer, pictured below, would blend right in at the local Choice rally or vegan cat cafe. Plus, her ability to summon large demonic beasts to destroy dissenters should not be overlooked. Downside: being a god, Gozer would bring an unwanted religious element to Amnesty’s secular culture, thereby violating the separation of church and state, and running the risk of bringing Grainne out in hives during TV interviews.
Many of you may remember Beverly as the NHS nurse found guilty of killing several babies in her care in the early 1990s, but the term “killing” is harsh. Beverly’s problem was that the healthcare she delivered took place on the wrong side of the birth canal. Other than that, she exhibited all of the compassion and empathy expected of any heroic healthcare rights campaigner. The obvious issue is her current incarceration, but Amnesty has a great track record of working with the falsely imprisoned, so maybe they can come to an arrangement.
A massive cast iron hammer and sickle
Not necessarily because of the communist connection – though that would of course rouse and delight many abortion advocates – but as a symbol of the tools needed for an abortion procedure; a hammer to crush skulls and a blade for lopping and chopping limbs. It also works as a beautiful and profound woke metaphor for a woman’s struggle for reproductive freedom (because the patriarchy made these tools heavy and hard to carry). Downside: no real word processing skills.
Other worthwhile mentions: Dawn Purvis, Momo, and the demonic form of Marie Stopes.