Monthly Archives: October 2019

Northern Ireland Humanists to offer abortion ceremonies

After the recent liberalisation of abortion in Northern Ireland, Northern Ireland Humanists immediately unveiled plans to make a few quid by offering abortion ceremonies.

While the humanist movement has, for some time, been offering a range of ceremonial services for secularists who want all the trappings of religion but none of the God stuff, abortion ceremonies are believed to be a world’s first.

“We wanted to celebrate this historic day of joy and bloodshed by offering people something unique and memorable for their abortions,” said Quentin Snarf, a humanist celebrant and founder of the pro-choice activist group, Upper-Middle Class Alliance Against Poor People Breeding.

“We humanists love our ceremonies and already offer lots of them – from wedding ceremonies to cat-naming ceremonies – so why not abortion? It is our most important sacrament, after all.”

With the first abortions in Northern Ireland set to take place during March 2020, Snarf is expecting demand to be high.

“We’ve already had hundreds of enquires, many of which from people who aren’t even pregnant yet!” said Snarf.

“We know from independently verified data that Northern Ireland’s wicked and antiquated pro-life laws were responsible for saving over 100,000 lives. While we can’t kill those people now, we can kill a future 100,000 – and what a better way to do that than with an abortion ceremony!”

Details are still sketchy as to what an abortion ceremony will involve exactly, but a spokesperson for Northern Ireland Humanists has confirmed that participants will be offered the chance to “pull off the first limb” or “crush the skull themselves” as part of the initiation ritual.