Monthly Archives: December 2021

Unborn to self-identify as foxes so Alliance Party, SDLP will prioritise their welfare

Clumps of cells across Northern Ireland are now self-identifying as foxes in a desperate bid to get political parties to recognise their inherent moral value and natural right to life.

The idea came about after one such clump overheard a radio interview in which a tearful SDLP representative lamented how awful it is that in 2021 “People can still be so cruel to another living creature”.

“I was doing some flips and sucking my thumb when I heard this politico say, “Tearing a fox apart is barbaric,” and I stopped and thought, “But that’s exactly what you want to happen to us!”” communicated one fetus by kicking its host in Morse code. “Maybe if we made ourselves less human by wearing fluffy ears and a bushy tail, local politicians might start campaigning for our rights as well.”

“Look, if a disease-ridden and bad-tempered fox can garner empathy from our most enlightened politicians, surely a human being in utero can too,” said the fetus before fixing his fox ears into place.

“As we have all come to learn in 21st Century Northern Ireland, the best way to get the attention of a progressive politician is to become a fashionable cause. Something easy to campaign for that will make the politician look amazingly empathetic and virtuous for speaking up on,” said another clump of cells. “What better than to self-identify as a vulnerable wild animal? Two progressive causes in one. Bingo!”

The hope is that when Northern Ireland’s politicians see these little foxes in utero, they will inadvertently call for an end to hunting human babies in the womb. Failing that, however, the fetuses plan to self-identify as other progressive political causes, such as circus animals, goose eggs, and Marxists.