Alliance Party councillor agrees to Bible readings after being told they’ll be read by a drag queen

An Alliance Party councillor who wanted to stop Bible readings at council meetings has promised not to oppose them again after being tricked into believing that future readings will be done by a drag queen.

The newly-elected Alliance Councillor, 12-year-old Hector Snort, proposed a halt to the readings because of the Alliance Party’s commitment to the logical fallacy of chronological snobbery and his complete ignorance of the historical role Christianity has played in securing all the freedoms he currently enjoys, including the ability to object to bible readings.

However, an offer to have the verses read by a drag queen to stop him from yapping reduced the young progressive to tears of joy and tolerance and he eventually relented.

The DUP’s Gavin Givan Girvan explains how the idea came about: “He strode into the meeting like one of those teenage deputy managers you get in clothing shops; you know, the ones who make life a misery for all the older staff who’ve been there for years and when you confront them they just remind you of how many GCSEs they have at grade B and above.

So, I got together with my colleagues Trevor and Meryvn and the other Trevor and the two other Meryvns and we decided that the best way to deal with it was to fool him into believing that a drag queen – not a minister – would do the readings in future. But actually, nothing will change at all.”

When asked if he was concerned that the young councillor would be able to tell that the drag queen isn’t a real one, Givan Girven replied: “This is the Alliance Party we’re talking about. They don’t know what a woman is, so they’ll hardly know what a man dressed as a woman is, either. And if anyone asks, we’ll just say that the minister identifies as a drag queen. Alliance will believe anything.”

However, it is understood that the Alliance Party will still go ahead with their plans to build a gulag in east Belfast to detain religious believers should Naomi Long ever become First Minister.

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