Monthly Archives: October 2016

ashers bakery

BREAKING: Ashers building to be demolished and replaced with big gay bouncy castle

Following the Appeal Court ruling that Ashers bakery acted unlawfully by refusing to make a “gay cake,” the Equality Commission has now ordered the bakery to be demolished and replaced with a rainbow-coloured bouncy castle.

The inflatable structure, made possible by a £5million government grant, aims to combat bigotry by teaching medieval religious nutjobs how to be more tolerant through bounce. Anyone who continues to challenge society’s ever-changing views on sexuality won’t get a go.

Outside the Equality Commission headquarters, news of this development was met with scenes of delight and jubilation by a 10-strong crowd. One of the activists, Ze Magee, speaking through tears of joy, said:

“I welcome this move, so I do. Nothing makes you more tolerant than a bouncy castle because you have to learn to take turns on it. Trust me, this will be good for the faith community and other bigots. The Government knows best.”

Also present was local freethinker and self-proclaimed “bright,” Bernie Hamill, president of Humanists Against Bigotry (HAB), who said:

“This is great news for rationality. Intolerance is absolutely morally wrong and the people of Northern Ireland will no longer tolerate it. Especially if it’s coming from people who believe in an imaginary sky fairy.”

Hamill then handed out tracts promoting the Humanist message that morality is subjective and life has no ultimate meaning.

Hector Munroe, director of the publicly-funded Equality Commission, and sporting rainbow-coloured hair in celebration of the ruling said:

“There’s only two ways to make these sub-human bigots understand. One is to whisper in the ear of power and drag them through the courts. The other is to replace their businesses with bouncy castles. It’s 2016. You just can’t believe whatever you want and expect to get away with it. The Appeal Court ruling proved that”.

He did, however, stress that the religious have nothing to fear from the Equality Commission, adding:

“To be clear, we want to encourage businesses run by the faith community, not crush them. In fact, we asked a Muslim-run bakery to cater for the opening ceremony, which they’ve agreed to do … so long as women aren’t allowed on the castle. And men don’t hold hands. Not even to keep their balance. So naturally, we’re delighted at that.”

The opening of the bouncy castle will take place in the new year, with tribute act Lady Gayga cutting the ribbon. The bakery’s former owners will also be in attendance, albeit they’ll be forced to watch from a cage dangling over the River Lagan.

Efforts to get Bert and Ernie to attend the opening ceremony have so far proved unsuccessful. The pair released a statement expressing their concern about the sexualisation of children’s TV characters and the fact that puppets don’t exist below the waist and therefore have no sexual orientation – or ability to bounce.